The entry below is a journal entry from the temple of literature [hanoi-vietnam] ( its whats written on the front cover and has been a really thoughful souvenir from a friend ). This was written at a time when I was really not sure whether where I was going was the right decision or not. Senior year of college, everyones tryna find something, especially all the international students. Friends who had graduated who were in big tech and doing really well financially and prestige wise.

And at a time where I had applied to 120+ internships/jobs, had bombed back to back interviews almost 10 of them and I was feeling worthless ( might be too heavy a word but i definitely was feeling like i was the dumbest shit out there squandering every opportunity I got ).

I kinda don’t know why I’m putting this up here. But I always read it a few times and it lifts me up. And i think its also a part of me that I kinda wanna show as well. Also maybe opensourcing an experience that I’m sure a lotta people feel. Honestly i also just need something to post cause i haven’t written shit or posted shit for months and im feeling suffocated.

I think im happy with the decision I made then. It may be too early to say for now but I know that I have come to terms with it and I am happy where I am right now.

Anyways here it is:

Lowkey been anxious lately. Been toying with the thought that I’m kinda emotionally unavailable and I thought that was just for others but turns out it might actually be true for myself as well.

I’ve been putting away this feeling of anxiousness whenever it comes up. Just putting it somewhere else and not really processing it. Become quite good at that actually and i think that is needed. I feel like the concept of making things a huge deal and talking about it all the time; the concept of a therapist is a form of narcissism, of centering the world around you.

“Dont think about it” is so common in multitudes of cultures because it actually works. But everything has its own context and at some point or with some things especially if it’s recurring, it means it needs tackling.

And I guess taking the time to tackle deal, not tackle or deal, lets not use vocabulary that makes it seem like an obstacle but just embracing it; sitting down with it and contemplating about it today: sun’s shining; nice breeze; it’s a holiday; no better time.

I’ve been thinking a lot about alternate paths; mostly career wise been thinking about how my trajectory would’ve changed if I’d gone into backend dev. Thinking of all the interviews I fucked up on. How things might’ve gone differently if I’d done better on one of them. Thinking about how it’d be kinda cool if I’d get that warp role. About the pay and the money.

And subsequently after that pang of regret comes a small wave of anxiousness; anxiousness surrounding the blank canvas of going back home. Of having no optionality of college, of not knowing what I would do if things go wrong at home. And the fear of being a failure, of being in this limbo of just being at home; aging and being in a mostly similar space of staticness.

The thought of being stuck in a single space, place, time and position.

But just thinking of the history phallacy; looking at the past of how there’s always been steps forward if i just moved; i have to trust the sadhana.

If I were to live here and I actually think about something else other than the money & prestige, which are pretty big factors tbh, there isn’t anything else on that list. Friends; the calmness of being in a place where you know what the wind feels like, a sense of peace that I know I wouldnt havent yet found here, all the friends close to my heart that i’d leave; All the events that i’d miss and watch through IG stories. Maybe going back home is fine. Coupled with the bigger goal of making home feel more special; of uplifting the country and the scene through whatever button I can nudge. Maybe this anxiety isn’t all anxiety, maybe it’s anxious excitement.

Anxious excitement of the unknown; of guiding the brush and paint where it flows. Of going against the wisdom of the crowd. Of just trusting myself and the universe. Of trusting the sadhana and just embracing.

fin.

Woow as i read it again there really isnt much to it. but i guess when i read these words it takes me back to exactly that time and space in my single lazrus room. looking at the ceiling, just thinking and thoughts bombarding me and anxiety just racing. I guess rather than the content its the time and the place it takes me back to that is more of a significance for me?